I got this msg from SJJ on facebook, and it just made me so happy. I miss Marc. If I could grow up and just take care and love children, I would be the happiest I could be.
so today i had this conversation with him:
Me: Marc, say 'I love mummy!'
Marc: I love mummy!...love daddy!...marc love grandpa! and gong gong!
......love mah-mah!....love grandma!
Me: Do you love Ma-Ma Hai (a very dear aunt of mine)?
Marc: Yes....and love Aunty Brynn!!
Thursday, November 19, 2009
It's Showtime
Lately I've started to feel like I'm cracking a little. I question everything I do and my capabilities. Am I really able to go through with it? Am I really able to handle everything? I know the promises in the bible, but do I believe them? Do I really believe that everything that has been given to me is not beyond my scope? I walk into school and instantly feel choked on the acrid air of stress and disease. I ask myself if what I'm doing in the hospitals is helpful. I ask if I'm ready to walk into the belly of the beast in the hope that I will find the exit. I don't know the answers, and I'm quite ready to revert to sufferance in lieu of hope. I'm so distressed by school, and distressed by the thoughts running through my head. Maybe that's why I stay indoors so much. I just don't want to go outside. There's nothing worthwhile for me to pursue at this present moment. I have no driving force, no sunshine, no crutch.
I'm starting to feel very very handicapped. I'm starting to feel myself retch everytime I think about schoolwork and exams. I'm starting to sense complete and utter fear that rips through my mind during the sleepless nights. Can I really handle this?
And this epilepsy thing. I wish it had never happened. I don't want it. Take it away, cut out my brain, whatever. I DON'T WANT IT. I DON'T WANT IT, AND I DON'T WANT MY MEDICATIONS, AND I DON'T WANT TO GO FOR ANYMORE BLOOD TESTS OR BRAIN SCANS. I DON'T CARE IF I DIE.
I'm starting to feel very very handicapped. I'm starting to feel myself retch everytime I think about schoolwork and exams. I'm starting to sense complete and utter fear that rips through my mind during the sleepless nights. Can I really handle this?
And this epilepsy thing. I wish it had never happened. I don't want it. Take it away, cut out my brain, whatever. I DON'T WANT IT. I DON'T WANT IT, AND I DON'T WANT MY MEDICATIONS, AND I DON'T WANT TO GO FOR ANYMORE BLOOD TESTS OR BRAIN SCANS. I DON'T CARE IF I DIE.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Boobs - How to get them.
Very useful for someone like me. Unfortunately, it gives me the extreme heebie jeebies to watch this.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
The Good and The Bad
I had 3 dreams last night. It was horrible. I woke up from the first one crying, woke up from the second one with a shout and woke up from the third one practically tearing my hair out. There was a signal of distress that ran through all of the three dreams that tore my soul into pieces. I don't know what was going on the night before that made me so upset but somehow I just ended up waking up all through the night, wanting to cry and really horribly depressed! It's not normal. The kind of terror you face in your dreams is always tenfold what you feel in real life, and so when I was depressed and on the verge of tearing my flesh into pieces, it was an anguish that tore into my bones and made me want to really end it all. Imagine waking up to that. 3 times in a night! 3 different dreams, 3 separate stories, 1 feeling!!! Something was seriously seriously wrong.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Marc
I promise to love you with all my heart, and I will be there as you grow, and I will spoil you and love you like no other auntie, so if you promise that I'll be your favourite aunt on daddy's side, that'll be more than enough for me :)
And meimei too, of course, couldn't have one without the other.
Aunty Brynn misses you so much, and expect something in the mail soon just for you, okay?
Lots and lots of kisses!
And meimei too, of course, couldn't have one without the other.
Aunty Brynn misses you so much, and expect something in the mail soon just for you, okay?
Lots and lots of kisses!
Sunday, November 01, 2009
I Understand
Chae,
I know what you mean, and I know what you're feeling. I know what you're going through, and I understand everything you're saying. It's as if I were saying it myself, just in a different context. I feel you, and you're not alone. You know I am always here. I can share your pain, and I do. You're not in this alone.
And something better is on the way, I know it is. Something better is on the way because there's no way it's the right time for all this to be happening. It'll be as if a dream upon awakening. When this is all over, we'll look back and be relieved that we didn't give up here, okay?
It's hard. I walk the streets and sometimes I just have to sit down by the roadside and cry too. I don't even understand why, but I do.
And I was right. You are volatile. Try not to hurt yourself too much and I will do the same. Same reaction, different problems. But I have the exact same fears that you do. But she will make it through.
What do you do when you see a loved one just fall apart in front of your own eyes?
I know what you mean, and I know what you're feeling. I know what you're going through, and I understand everything you're saying. It's as if I were saying it myself, just in a different context. I feel you, and you're not alone. You know I am always here. I can share your pain, and I do. You're not in this alone.
And something better is on the way, I know it is. Something better is on the way because there's no way it's the right time for all this to be happening. It'll be as if a dream upon awakening. When this is all over, we'll look back and be relieved that we didn't give up here, okay?
It's hard. I walk the streets and sometimes I just have to sit down by the roadside and cry too. I don't even understand why, but I do.
And I was right. You are volatile. Try not to hurt yourself too much and I will do the same. Same reaction, different problems. But I have the exact same fears that you do. But she will make it through.
What do you do when you see a loved one just fall apart in front of your own eyes?
Friday, October 30, 2009
Masked(?) Men?
HAHAHAHA.
News article reads:
During the Great Depression, robbers had style. Now , as these two sad baddies from Iowa prove, they can't even afford masks.
Article link: Burglars Now Too Poor To Afford Masks
[He] is [his] own wife.
Man continues plastic surgery to look exactly like his late wife.
Article via Jake Madison. Strange can always get stranger. Yeack. And it's just really disturbing, especially the photo on the 2nd page of the article.
The project, P-Orridge says, has little to do with sex or vanity, and more to do with behavioral science—testing the boundaries of identity, redirecting the way “other people encode their expectations and their needs on you.” It’s like his collage work in that “we’ve always been interested in falling out of the frame."
I understand this, but the way they did it is way fucked up.
Article via Jake Madison. Strange can always get stranger. Yeack. And it's just really disturbing, especially the photo on the 2nd page of the article.
The project, P-Orridge says, has little to do with sex or vanity, and more to do with behavioral science—testing the boundaries of identity, redirecting the way “other people encode their expectations and their needs on you.” It’s like his collage work in that “we’ve always been interested in falling out of the frame."
I understand this, but the way they did it is way fucked up.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Earth to Goh!
[29/10/09 12:57:32 AM] Carynn: HELLO BYY!!!
[29/10/09 12:57:42 AM] Carynn: uj is super funny.
[29/10/09 12:58:10 AM] Carynn: yesterday, we were at crystal jade at holland v. and then a firetruck drove by into hv, so the two of us went out the kaypoh..
[29/10/09 12:58:42 AM] Carynn: and then uj said, you better be careful wearing those shoes (ballet flats!) later you fall. see my shoes? good for kicking dogs and watching fire trucks.
I've decided to create a label for UJ. Heehee.
[29/10/09 12:57:42 AM] Carynn: uj is super funny.
[29/10/09 12:58:10 AM] Carynn: yesterday, we were at crystal jade at holland v. and then a firetruck drove by into hv, so the two of us went out the kaypoh..
[29/10/09 12:58:42 AM] Carynn: and then uj said, you better be careful wearing those shoes (ballet flats!) later you fall. see my shoes? good for kicking dogs and watching fire trucks.
I've decided to create a label for UJ. Heehee.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
I am...
probably the only person on this Earth who has both hypersomnia and insomnia. Or maybe it's just simple logic and I'm overthinking it.
peeved that it takes a neurological disorder to get your attention.
most commonly associated with violence.
still occasionally upset about my 21st birthday.
quite sure I've figured out the problem. It's some sort of rebellion mixed in with the "FINE! I can do it WITHOUT you and I WILL" sort of mindset. Which is why I'm up at 240 am, rubbing my eyes and looking at the Tiffany and Co website, so determined to get myself something nice (which of course, I won't do, out of stinginess) and just.. feeling uncomfortable.
peeved that it takes a neurological disorder to get your attention.
most commonly associated with violence.
still occasionally upset about my 21st birthday.
quite sure I've figured out the problem. It's some sort of rebellion mixed in with the "FINE! I can do it WITHOUT you and I WILL" sort of mindset. Which is why I'm up at 240 am, rubbing my eyes and looking at the Tiffany and Co website, so determined to get myself something nice (which of course, I won't do, out of stinginess) and just.. feeling uncomfortable.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Where The Wild Things Are
Fantastic.
There lives a beast inside us all. Some not quite so outrageous or so loving.
There lives a beast inside us all. Some not quite so outrageous or so loving.
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