Are you looking for a little Bean?

Hell on Earth

2010-10-09T20:23:00.000-07:00

These days, there is no pick up. There's doom and despair hanging over my head like a blanket of thick, angry clouds, waiting to strike me with another lightning bolt. There's a knife to my throat, telling me that there's nowhere I can possibly run to. I'm already in a kind of hell. I'm experiencing life.

2010-06-17T12:39:00.001-07:00

REDIRECT TO TUMBLR.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAMA!!!!

2010-06-06T19:36:00.001-07:00

Dearest Mum,

Have the very best birthday. I hope you are having an awesome time at Sui Goh's house with everybody and that you're really taking the break you deserve. I looooveeee youuuuuuuu!!!!

XOXO

2010-04-26T20:55:00.001-07:00

After days of anticipation, Chichi finally gave birth this morning to 7 pups. But they're all dead. May their pink little bodies rest in peace forever. And, may her next litter survive. 7 pups is a huge litter. Too bad the mortality rate was 100%.

Check tumblr for some picture awesomeness!

2010-04-11T22:28:00.001-07:00

You heard it!

YOU'RE the suckiest girlfriend ever!

2010-04-11T22:22:00.002-07:00

Ivan: What's wrong with your family! All don't have licenses!
Bean starts to fume
Bean: What's wrong with YOUR family! All big heads and small bodies! HAHAHAHAHA
Ivan: (with a scared look) No it's just me.. YOU SUCK!! You're saying I'm like a by-product!!! You're the suckiest girlfriend ever!
Bean: YOU'RE the suckiest girlfriend ever!

And Now We're Being Honest

2010-04-11T16:57:00.003-07:00

Sometimes I have to try really hard not to get sucked into the vortex of violence. I know that one instance where I feel like I want to pierce my eardrum really hard or pound my feet with weights and break a bone will just keep me in the vortex for the rest of my life and it's always a hard decision whether or not to go with it.

Glub

2010-03-22T13:43:00.001-07:00

I'm back to feeling like I'm drowning. Is it a hump or is it life? I can try to go running to get things off my mind, but I know I won't make it around the block. And I am struggling to keep my head above the water already, running can only make things worse (both literally and figuratively). I must persevere.

Nightmares again. I'm so sick of having nightmares. So sick.

2010-03-20T16:45:00.002-07:00

It's like being stuck in a loveless marriage with yourself. Everything you do is not correct, and it cannot be corrected. There seems to be a solution but in the long term evwerything falls to pieces. What then? Why try to solve something that's just going to keep happening? I find myself asking the same questions because I don't see a better future than this. What I had, which was horrible in its own way, was only a little patch of oblivion to what the world really is and how my life will really be like. I would much rather be alone where there's no possible way I can hurt other people's feelings while mastering my own.

Happy Birthday Ivan!!

2010-03-20T16:19:00.002-07:00

I'm just so tired. I'm tired of my "friends", I'm tired of everything. I just want to be by myself right now and for long while. This is probably the worst time for this to happen.

Happy Birthday Ivan!! Hope you'll like the cake tonight. :)

Happy Birthday Yeeyee!!!!

2010-03-20T16:07:00.001-07:00

Happy birthday to my dearest, most beloved Yeeyee! It is now officially your birthday, unlike yesterday when I called, and I LOVE YOU! I will call you later in the day when you will be awake!!!!!!!!!!

R.I.P

2010-03-16T14:07:00.002-07:00

You were a great hamster. You never fussed, never fought, never made a mess. You were kind and loving to your brother, and you loved your mealworms. I'm sorry you left us so soon, I should have been more careful with what the vet gave you. I hope you're in a better place now and I miss you so much already. All those wood sticks and the ladder that I got just for you, well, now nobody will use them because they were only ever yours. To Oreo, the most docile hamster there ever was, and yet curious and loving.

High five for rehab!

2010-03-05T00:55:00.003-08:00

Wooooh, it's time to feel alive! I'm starting to understand that well, yes, it helped for a long time, but the now requires me to start living my own life. But first, let me find a way to get rid of my eyebags. They are about to jump off my face and start their own colony. The weird thing is that I'm still sleeping about 10 hours a day. Gah... I can't sleep 12 hours anymore! I miss ALL the sunshine that way. It's extremely unhealthy to live like this. Must. Stop. Drinking. Coke.

Rachael Flatt

2010-02-23T20:44:00.001-08:00

Just watched her performance at the Winter Olympics, GOODNESS, you can see that she's just having the time of her life, and it shows in the way her performance shines!

Tragedy

2010-02-12T22:24:00.002-08:00

It's extremely tragic for the family of Nodar Kumaritashvili. Imagine having sent your son/brother/family member off in glory to the Olympics in order to have him pass away in an accident that probably could have been avoided or perhaps not been fatal, before the games even begin. I do not know what the engineers could have been thinking, leaving steel poles unpadded right at the turn of a hard curve on a luge track. Maybe it's hindsight, but that was quite an obvious danger that I think could have saved this young man's life. It's just a tragic loss, and they should close the track entirely. When someone's life has been lost, there's no room for compromise.

of course UBC!

2010-02-08T16:14:00.001-08:00

Ivan: To Vera Hello! How are you feeling? Oh, you feel like puking ah? Then of course puke at UBC la! Why do you want to puke at home??

The Male's Here

2010-02-08T13:21:00.001-08:00

Bean: Hey, can you check if the mail is here?
Ivan: I'm here. I'm the only male you need.

Cheek Obsession

2010-02-08T13:20:00.001-08:00

Ivan: Bean ah, can I ask you a question?
Bean: What?
Ivan: Wait, look up first, like face up. Then use your eyes to look down at me. Are your cheeks blocking the way?
Bean: PENGSAN!!!

嫉妒

2010-02-08T00:57:00.002-08:00

While talking about guys that were dancing up to me while we were in Fabric..

Me: So were you 嫉妒?
Ivan: No I was not 嫉妒 I was upset!!
Me: Were they good looking?
Ivan: Immediately NO!
Me: Did they go away?
Ivan: Of course! I glared at them!

Talk about territorial. Heehee!

The Stuff Dreams Are Made Of

2010-02-03T23:12:00.003-08:00

I've been having a lot of dreams, and I've been very good at remembering them when I wake up, but it's just that I always have to rush off to do something when I wake up, so by the time I get home and sit in front of my computer to type them out, I just can't be bothered anymore. They're so long.. and action packed.. and having to describe every little detail might drive me nuts, even though I simply do without them. So, I usually take the easiest way out and just decide not to write them down. I really should though.. having a dream diary is an interesting way to introspect.

There's been a whole bunch about the end of the world, and me having to save citizens of the world, and other crazy things like fighting on the top of a gravity-free building that's been designated to be a part of the new world in order to prevent the demolition of the old one.. and other weird things like that. I'm constantly jumping, shooting, flying, swimming with mythical creatures or something else entirely trippy. Sometimes I feel like if I could record my dreams with a video camera, I could probably sell them as movies. They really do take you for a ride.

Right, I was up till 5 am last night puking my guts out because I got food poisoning. My stomach seems to be having a lot of trouble lately. Grrrruble.

Is this for real?

2010-01-26T23:30:00.002-08:00

I've been weighing in at 47-48 kgs everyday and it's making me a bit concerned. I do feel a bit fat, but it's probably because I'm just not used to feeling so heavy or having that little tummy flabbing about above my pants. And yet I'm still hungry. I want beef steak soup with potatoes, and I want it now. And on top of that I want kit kat. I feel disgusting, overweight, oily, ugly, ARGH. This is not a good day, and to top it all off, I'm pretty sure I don't have pms right now.

Enough with the complaints. Ivan's been asking me all along if I like him with or without glasses and I told him very very honestly that I loved his glasses, and I do! It makes his head look smaller, for one thing, and he looks very very cute in them! Buuuuut, he doesn't believe me. It's nice to have your opinions treasured.

On another downside, I've been having horrible nightmares about Crescent lately. I dream every night that it's the last day before exams and that I've the whole semester's worth of work to study for the exam. Which of course is not happening, but since it is my last semester I seem to have some extreme stress factor, and it's actually been getting me very down lately. I'm crankier than usual and extremely irritable. I've cut down my food because of a lack of appetite and have been sleeping a lot and now I'm just going on and on about goodness knows what. I have to get back into some kind of normal person routine, and I think that next year I will have to move out into an actual apartment with windows.

At the moment, life is such a nightmare I wish it would go away. I don't want this!! I want a life that's fulfilling and exciting and memorable, not one made up of nightmares.

Pandan Valley

2010-01-19T22:32:00.003-08:00

I love Pandan Valley, but everytime I have bad dreams, it's in that place. Just like last night, to which I woke up with a full blown scream. Screaming! Enough is enough. Something's wrong with Pandan Valley in my subconcious, and I really want to know what it is. Growing up there had something to do with it, I suppose. It's frightening, really.

My Cream Cheese Danish Theory

2010-01-14T23:37:00.003-08:00

I've tried so many times to look mature, or pretty, or interesting and model-like. Bird-like, bone structure, I've thought about it all. I've thought about my thighs, my midriff and my arms. I've thought about my shoulders, the shape of my face and most of all, my legs and butt. But it's no good. No matter how much I try to look sophisticated and like a working woman, it just doesn't catch on! I look clumsy, like a kid in mummy's clothes.Unshapely, round, pear-like. I can't get my butt to perk in high waisted, A-lines, can't get my shoulders to round nicely into banana boats, v-necks or cashmere sweaters. There are so many things I cannot wear, the biggest bane I have is with tube tops and strapless bras. I look too fat, too skinny, too young. I've figured that no matter how much money I spend on the fitting or the make, or the material, it's just never going to happen. I think I'll just have to stick to looking like a happy kid, or a mod.

Sometimes, you have to have all the cream cheese danishes you want before you realised that it was ever so good because you only had one.

Are you sure you're well read?!

2010-01-14T20:32:00.003-08:00

America's First Legal Male Prostitute

I hate to say it, but to even compare himself to Rosa Parks... and the fact that it makes NO sense at all..

It's just the same as when Rosa Parks decided to sit at the front instead of the back. She was proclaiming her rights as a disadvantaged, African-American older woman. And I'm doing the same. I'm actually standing up now, and hopefully I can be supported by the male community and be understood as a person.

Are you keeding me?! What are you standing up for? Your rights as a male American to have sex for money? Ummm.. alright, quite the same as standing up against racial discrimination I suppose.

Women don't pay for sex, they pay for experience. And luckily for me, I don't have that much experience with sex, but I have the mentality and the emotion and gumption to make them feel the way they want to feel.

Okay, so you want people to pay to have sex with you, but you don't have much experience with sex. How does this work again?

2010-01-11T22:46:00.002-08:00

Ohhhh, this bean's got troubles floating over her head. Don't like feeling left out.

The One You Love

2010-01-09T00:56:00.002-08:00

Glenn Frey - The One You Love

Oh, how I wish I had a movie love story, and I mean one of those olden movies, the real way of falling in love. Siiigh. Melancholy.

2010-01-07T16:37:00.003-08:00

Sometimes when I look back on the past, I wonder how much I really have grown. It seems as though I have, but I'm afraid that my pill popping existence has dulled my character. I'm afraid that my existence has shrunk, in a dimension of laughter and intelligent conversation (no matter how cynical I once was). I'm afraid that I'm beginning to vanish because I now have to come up with a new identity, and not discover my true identity, as I once might have believed. I thought it was easier to be happy, that life would be easier, and my friends would like me better (not that this was the ultimate goal) but sometimes I wonder whether for all the good they've done me I might as well have shoved them up my arse (quote: Trainspotting). I wouldn't say I'm a wreck anymore, but it's not quite beyond the truth to say that it's simply dulled the thudding of my heart against my chest as it strains to exit in a fashion unlike any other. It attempts to free me of my existence. Oh, how I need a warm cup of tea and a blanket.

Doraemon helps us move.

2010-01-06T18:54:00.001-08:00

[06/01/10 6:51:34 PM] Ivan Wong: just that i will have to find places to put my boxes
[06/01/10 6:51:45 PM] Ivan Wong: i mean boxes that im not gonna unbox
[06/01/10 6:52:05 PM] Ivan Wong: i need the doraemon sack
[06/01/10 6:52:33 PM] Ivan Wong: he could even fit a door in there!

[06/01/10 6:53:09 PM] Vera Yang: HAHHAHAHAHHAHA
[06/01/10 6:53:12 PM] Vera Yang: OMG
[06/01/10 6:53:18 PM] Vera Yang: thats what you should get him for christmas
[06/01/10 6:53:42 PM] Vera Yang: oooh then he can store you and carry you around
[06/01/10 6:53:48 PM] Vera Yang: you will never have to walk again!

Time? How? Why?

2010-01-04T01:14:00.004-08:00

It's 1 am and I can't sleep. I had a long nap in the afternoon after successfully getting up for church this morning and so I knocked out after our lovely sunday brunch of turkey congee leftover and turkey sandwiches made "Monica style" (Friends). So yes, I was lying in bed, considering the world we live in.. and you know, me being me, I thought I heard noises in my room. Breathing, to be specific. I instantly felt fear, of course, but then I thought to myself that if I, someone redeemed by the blood of Christ, feared the Devil, then what was the point of believing at all? So I said aloud, much to my own bemusement, and to God's, I'm sure, for the devil to go away because well, I'm not afraid. And I actually wasn't afraid! For a moment. Until my brain started to concoct more horrible stories about haunted houses. But I pulled myself together and told myself to stop the nonsense and switched my brain back to the beautiful images of nebulas that we saw in church today. Our speaker was trying to show us the wonders of God.. and was talking about how we, as compared to the wisemen, are perhaps much harder to please. Of course, the Nebulas were related to this by fact that before the images were about to be released to the public by NASA, they had a huge brainstorm about how to up the wow factor, as though saying that God's creations are not marvellous enough to be perfect to our eyes.

Well anyway, I finally meandered to time travel. I believe to be true the fact that God is not restricted by time or space, and can so travel back and forth to any moment in time that he desires. I know that if humans could do that, some would say that it would be a chance to go back and change their mistakes, and some would say that well, you shouldn't change your mistakes because you learn from them and they make you who you are today (although I must say that this has to be accompanied by some judge of character to be really valid). But you know, God is different. He is the Creator, and knows everything, would he ever go back in time to correct our mistakes for us? Does he only correct some mistakes? Does he not correct any mistakes? If he only corrects some, what qualifies a mistake to be of such attention? It just got me thinking that humans must be so different from God. The fact that He probably has the one answer for this question.. well, I wish I had it too. I can only presume to know what the best answer is. I will never really know until I go to Heaven and then I can ask Him myself. What are we bound by, in this life? If God would go back in time.. why would He go back in time to correct our mistakes? Is that even the right question to ask? Why? How? Who? What?

Well, anyway, today was kind of a kids+adults sermon, so the kids sat in the front with the speaker and it was adorable. She asked why the kids thought the wisemen would travel so far to see Jesus and one of the kids said:
"Because Jesus is the Son of God and He's really important and He didn't sin, and everybody else did at least once.

Hahahaha! Also, it really impressed me that the kids knew that God spoke the stars into being.

Caught on Google Street View!!

2010-01-03T18:50:00.001-08:00

OMG! Caught in action!! Losers.

2010

2009-12-30T16:39:00.003-08:00

It's almost a new year.. just a couple of days left. I wonder how I've really felt throughout 2009. It was probably one of the most exciting years of my life, what with all the things that went wrong, but I think it was also the year when I felt most calm. I've never experienced such tranquility consistently through the year, and so I am really thankful for that. I know it cannot last forever, but I cherish it for now. As and when I am ready, I will come off the drugs.

2009 has been a year of:
1. Epileptic revolutions
2. Mountains in my love life
3. Self control
4. Much needed joy
5. Some confusion
6. Identity crisis
7. Independence and holidays

Nothing out of the ordinary right? I suppose not everybody finds out they're epileptic, but that's not really that big of a deal anymore. It'll go away someday. Cheers to a better 2010, and definitely one where I go back in the direction God desires.

It's that time of year already?

2009-12-24T10:32:00.002-08:00

It's almost Christmas!! And come boxing day, I'll have been here 5 full years. I must say though that this has been the warmest winter I have ever encountered. It snowed once and the snow lasted for a day, and now it's all gone. It barely rains and the temperature is hardly below 4 degrees! So it's all been fine and dandy. I can even step outside the house in just shorts and a sweater. Not for too long though. I'm slow this year. I haven't even made a christmas list yet, so I haven't bought any of my christmas presents yet. BUT! I did send a whole bunch of stuff to SJJ and PKK again, mostly for Marc and soon-to-be-baby, but I'm very excited for when it gets there!! I hope they receive it soon. It's supposed to be 6-8 weeks. Hahahaha and the lady assumed I was sending it for xmas. I just hope it arrives on time. 6-8 weeks is on time, right?

I managed to wake up at 10 am today instead of 3 pm, and I'll be going for a potluck dinner tonight. Ahhh, if all goes well, I'll be able to cure boredom, but I do still get tired very easily. I was bushed after going shopping yesterday, so much so that I fell asleep almost right after getting home.

Freeeeeee!!!!!

2009-12-18T14:35:00.000-08:00

I'm free!!!! I just finished my last paper on Advanced Process Control and guess what? He decided to make the final all multiple choice. So it's either you get it or you don't. Sigh. We'll see what happens but for now I'm done! Haaaaaaa!! And now waiting for 3 o'clock so I can go to the doctor's then go to the pet store then go home and slackkkkk!!!!!

In the dead of the night..

2009-12-15T02:53:00.002-08:00

Ahh.. sigh.. it's that time of the year, where my exams are almost, but not quite over, and Christmas is almost, but not quite here. I can't wait for my exams to be over, but then at the same time, I don't know what I would do after the exams are over. I'm so bloody bored. Already. And my exams aren't even over yet. I don't even have exam jitters. I just have the sort of nervousness that accompanies the thought that you're so close yet so far from freedom.. and then I ask.. the freedom to do what? I haven't come up with an answer yet.

I find myself very bored these days. Maybe that's why my brain thinks it needs 12 hours of sleep. I'm inclined to blame my medications but I really don't know what the problem is. The good news is that I can stay awake longer these days. It's not 16 hours anymore.

I'm tired of this waiting business. I don't even care about my exams anymore, which really is a stupid thing to say. I just want them to be over. But then after that I'd want the break to be over too, I guess. Maybe it's the effect of living in a basement, you get depressed staying home but you're never willing to go out.

Weight

2009-12-14T16:09:00.001-08:00

My goodnesss. I'm now 104.4 pounds ~ 47 kg!!!! It's winter for sure. Also, it's supposed to snow something like 20 cm tonight! Damn!

Hard Gay!!!

2009-12-13T21:59:00.000-08:00

To SJJ!

2009-12-13T19:18:00.001-08:00

It's snowing! Well, sort of. It's just flurries but the ground is covered in a semi-transparent sheet of snow. Aka you can still see the grass below it, but I know you miss it so I thought I'd tell you! And I'll take pictures as soon as I get my new Canon S90!!

Thanks mum!!!!!!!

GM?

2009-12-12T20:50:00.001-08:00

Ivan: I hope they can genetically modify hamsters so that they won't shit or pee. Mmmm that'd be awesome.

Ivan (while reading off Wiki): ...co-pro-fud-gee..
Bean: What?
Ivan: C-O-P-R-O-P-H-A-G-Y
Bean: palmface!

Later Bery Serious.

2009-12-08T03:05:00.001-08:00

Elliot, I miss you and your round round face, and your cheeky grin and the twinkle in your eye. I love your intelligent questions, your enthusiasm for music and how you live in your own little world. I love how loving you can be and the funny one liners that sometimes pop out of your mouth.. like "UH OH!! DIARRHEA! MY DIARRHEA IS COMING!" I miss you.

Heat vs. Lakers

2009-12-04T22:34:00.002-08:00

Holy cow, just watched Kobe's 3 point buzzer beater on a side leap fadeaway was INSANE!!!!!!!!!!!

Man, my adrenaline is pumping, and I just was NOT expecting that. Dwayne Wade must be so disappointed.

Ingenious!

2009-12-03T23:48:00.001-08:00

While sitting at the basketball court..

Daryl: Yeah, there've been a lot of blacks recently. Like this week.

PAUSE

And then, at the exact same moment, we turned to each other and said..

Daryl: I KNOW! IT MUST BE BECAUSE THE SUN'S BEEN SHINING!
Bean: I KNOW! IT MUST BE BECAUSE OF BLACK FRIDAY!

heehee.

It takes me...

2009-12-03T13:12:00.004-08:00

1. Approximately 2 days to finish a box of cereal (if I'm conservative).

2. A week to finish a 48 piece box of Ferrero Roche (also if I'm being conservative).

3. 7 minutes to shower.

4. 2 seconds to decide if I'm not going out because it's raining and being dry is more important than what the world has to offer.

5. 5 minutes to fall in love with a child.

6. A lifetime to give my family everything I have to offer.

Oh yes, to my dearest bandmates from CGSSB, Happy 3rd December!!! Our first concert ever at VCH, remember? Oh those days..

In Dreams..

2009-12-03T12:37:00.002-08:00

I've added a new link to the side. It's a new blog for my dreams, since it's just not enough to have it in this one. I don't know how frequently I'll update it, and more often than not I will probably sound like I am rambling since I don't remember my dreams in chronological sequences much, but I can promise you that sometimes, it will be a very exciting read. My dreams are my drugs.

Winter Frost

2009-12-02T23:01:00.002-08:00

It's getting cold outside now.. the weather drops down to about 1 degree at night and the grass gets all crunchy. That's when I like to go outside and look at the moon and stars (if I can see them and it's not raining) and just step all over the backyard. Somehow it's soothing, and one of the few things I like about the cold weather. Thankfully, it's not been too windy this season, although the mist-like rain remains the same annoyance as it has always been. It's not been cold enough to snow yet, although there was speculation that it would this week.

Talk therapy was leading somewhere, and then my psych told me that he would be leaving the UBC Hospital soon on rotation to a children's hospital. So either I would have to stop seeing a psych or see a new one, and I'm still a little iffy on both. Ironically enough, seeing a psych, which is supposed to help me with my anxiety, is causing me a little anxiety on its own. Although he did warn me about this, so it's not entirely without a heads up that I agreed to this. I wonder what I am supposed to do.. is it going to be a league of psychiatrists on my list? Are the patients tending the list or is it the other way around?

Yellow as Chinese

2009-11-28T16:02:00.002-08:00

流星作詞：鄭鈞　演唱：鄭鈞
我想知道　流星能飛多久
它的美麗　是否　值得去尋求
夜空的花　散落在你身後
幸福了我很久　值得去等候
於是我心狂奔　從黃昏到清晨　不能再承受
情願　墜落在你手中　羽化　成黑夜的彩虹
蛻變　成月光的清風　成月光的清風
我縱身跳　跳進你的河流　
一直游到盡頭　那裡多自由
我許個願　我許個願保佑
讓我的心凝固　在最美的時候
情願　墜落在你手中　羽化　成黑夜的彩虹
情願　不再見明媚的天　不再見明媚的天
幸福　跳進你的河流　一直游到盡頭　跳進你的河
我許個願保佑　在最美的時候　我許的願　
我想知道　流星能飛多久　幸福了我很久

So addicted to the lyrics of this song. I thought Yellow was beautiful in English but this translation has me just transfixed.

Germans!

2009-11-26T21:36:00.001-08:00

Ivan: Remember the scary movie back in the day? With the fluffy creatures that touch water and turn into monsters?? What is it called?.... Oh oh! Germans!

GERMANS?!?!?!?!

If yo ass fat, chew fat!

2009-11-25T22:49:00.002-08:00

If you fuck up, Imma hit chew with this bat!

I'm not gonna hold their fucking hands like you see in other shows and I'm not gonna sit down and cry wit'chew, fuck that. You be cryin' at that damn table when you stuffin your fat ass face.

HEEHEE.

Practice.

2009-11-25T22:46:00.000-08:00

How da hell can I make my teammates better by practicin'?!

BHAHAAHAHA!

2009-11-24T16:36:00.000-08:00

Ivan puts Baobao (white hamster) up to his nose to say hi.. and all of a sudden...

Ivan: YELP!! HE BIT THE TIP OF MY NOSE!!!!

The Sunshine in my Life

2009-11-19T22:19:00.001-08:00

I got this msg from SJJ on facebook, and it just made me so happy. I miss Marc. If I could grow up and just take care and love children, I would be the happiest I could be.

so today i had this conversation with him:
Me: Marc, say 'I love mummy!'
Marc: I love mummy!...love daddy!...marc love grandpa! and gong gong!
......love mah-mah!....love grandma!
Me: Do you love Ma-Ma Hai (a very dear aunt of mine)?
Marc: Yes....and love Aunty Brynn!!

It's Showtime

2009-11-19T20:09:00.005-08:00

Lately I've started to feel like I'm cracking a little. I question everything I do and my capabilities. Am I really able to go through with it? Am I really able to handle everything? I know the promises in the bible, but do I believe them? Do I really believe that everything that has been given to me is not beyond my scope? I walk into school and instantly feel choked on the acrid air of stress and disease. I ask myself if what I'm doing in the hospitals is helpful. I ask if I'm ready to walk into the belly of the beast in the hope that I will find the exit. I don't know the answers, and I'm quite ready to revert to sufferance in lieu of hope. I'm so distressed by school, and distressed by the thoughts running through my head. Maybe that's why I stay indoors so much. I just don't want to go outside. There's nothing worthwhile for me to pursue at this present moment. I have no driving force, no sunshine, no crutch.

I'm starting to feel very very handicapped. I'm starting to feel myself retch everytime I think about schoolwork and exams. I'm starting to sense complete and utter fear that rips through my mind during the sleepless nights. Can I really handle this?

And this epilepsy thing. I wish it had never happened. I don't want it. Take it away, cut out my brain, whatever. I DON'T WANT IT. I DON'T WANT IT, AND I DON'T WANT MY MEDICATIONS, AND I DON'T WANT TO GO FOR ANYMORE BLOOD TESTS OR BRAIN SCANS. I DON'T CARE IF I DIE.

Boobs - How to get them.

2009-11-18T01:25:00.002-08:00

Very useful for someone like me. Unfortunately, it gives me the extreme heebie jeebies to watch this.

Indian Gone Wrong

2009-11-17T23:56:00.000-08:00

The Good and The Bad

2009-11-15T15:11:00.002-08:00

I had 3 dreams last night. It was horrible. I woke up from the first one crying, woke up from the second one with a shout and woke up from the third one practically tearing my hair out. There was a signal of distress that ran through all of the three dreams that tore my soul into pieces. I don't know what was going on the night before that made me so upset but somehow I just ended up waking up all through the night, wanting to cry and really horribly depressed! It's not normal. The kind of terror you face in your dreams is always tenfold what you feel in real life, and so when I was depressed and on the verge of tearing my flesh into pieces, it was an anguish that tore into my bones and made me want to really end it all. Imagine waking up to that. 3 times in a night! 3 different dreams, 3 separate stories, 1 feeling!!! Something was seriously seriously wrong.

Marc

2009-11-10T01:31:00.000-08:00

I promise to love you with all my heart, and I will be there as you grow, and I will spoil you and love you like no other auntie, so if you promise that I'll be your favourite aunt on daddy's side, that'll be more than enough for me :)

And meimei too, of course, couldn't have one without the other.

Aunty Brynn misses you so much, and expect something in the mail soon just for you, okay?

Lots and lots of kisses!

KD Lang - Crying

2009-11-10T01:25:00.001-08:00

I Understand

2009-11-01T23:45:00.005-08:00

Chae,

I know what you mean, and I know what you're feeling. I know what you're going through, and I understand everything you're saying. It's as if I were saying it myself, just in a different context. I feel you, and you're not alone. You know I am always here. I can share your pain, and I do. You're not in this alone.

And something better is on the way, I know it is. Something better is on the way because there's no way it's the right time for all this to be happening. It'll be as if a dream upon awakening. When this is all over, we'll look back and be relieved that we didn't give up here, okay?

It's hard. I walk the streets and sometimes I just have to sit down by the roadside and cry too. I don't even understand why, but I do.

And I was right. You are volatile. Try not to hurt yourself too much and I will do the same. Same reaction, different problems. But I have the exact same fears that you do. But she will make it through.

What do you do when you see a loved one just fall apart in front of your own eyes?

Masked(?) Men?

2009-10-30T01:52:00.001-07:00

HAHAHAHA.

News article reads:
During the Great Depression, robbers had style. Now , as these two sad baddies from Iowa prove, they can't even afford masks.

Article link: Burglars Now Too Poor To Afford Masks

[He] is [his] own wife.

2009-10-30T01:40:00.003-07:00

Man continues plastic surgery to look exactly like his late wife.

Article via Jake Madison. Strange can always get stranger. Yeack. And it's just really disturbing, especially the photo on the 2nd page of the article.

The project, P-Orridge says, has little to do with sex or vanity, and more to do with behavioral science—testing the boundaries of identity, redirecting the way “other people encode their expectations and their needs on you.” It’s like his collage work in that “we’ve always been interested in falling out of the frame."

I understand this, but the way they did it is way fucked up.

Earth to Goh!

2009-10-29T01:17:00.001-07:00

[29/10/09 12:57:32 AM] Carynn: HELLO BYY!!!
[29/10/09 12:57:42 AM] Carynn: uj is super funny.
[29/10/09 12:58:10 AM] Carynn: yesterday, we were at crystal jade at holland v. and then a firetruck drove by into hv, so the two of us went out the kaypoh..
[29/10/09 12:58:42 AM] Carynn: and then uj said, you better be careful wearing those shoes (ballet flats!) later you fall. see my shoes? good for kicking dogs and watching fire trucks.

I've decided to create a label for UJ. Heehee.

I am...

2009-10-28T02:14:00.003-07:00

probably the only person on this Earth who has both hypersomnia and insomnia. Or maybe it's just simple logic and I'm overthinking it.

peeved that it takes a neurological disorder to get your attention.

most commonly associated with violence.

still occasionally upset about my 21st birthday.

quite sure I've figured out the problem. It's some sort of rebellion mixed in with the "FINE! I can do it WITHOUT you and I WILL" sort of mindset. Which is why I'm up at 240 am, rubbing my eyes and looking at the Tiffany and Co website, so determined to get myself something nice (which of course, I won't do, out of stinginess) and just.. feeling uncomfortable.

Where The Wild Things Are

2009-10-21T22:53:00.000-07:00

Fantastic.

There lives a beast inside us all. Some not quite so outrageous or so loving.

While Complaining....

2009-10-16T18:29:00.001-07:00

Brynn: WHAT!!! Do I have THAT many freckles???? :(
Ivan: A face without freckles is like a sky without stars.
Brynn: ...
Brynn: I'm going to blog that.

Goh Motto!

2009-10-07T23:19:00.002-07:00

[07/10/09 11:18:33 PM] JG: i am using YY lap top
[07/10/09 11:18:44 PM] JG: yee is using desk top
[07/10/09 11:18:55 PM] JG: together we are on top of everything

The solution?

2009-10-05T00:37:00.002-07:00

God. We need God. I need God. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Always remember that.

Moon and the Fair Trade World

2009-10-04T23:49:00.002-07:00

Ugh, I have such a headache from talking to the bus driver on my way home from watching "Moon" that I almost don't want to type this, but I have to.

On Moon, first. It was totally not what I expected, and fantastic for a one man science fiction show! And I even like the 1 second follow-up at the end of the movie. I hate it when movies simply end, and you want to know what happens to the main character in the rest of his/her life, but you simply can't because the movie ends right where he/she escapes some serious trouble. So +20 for Moon. And, because Emily didn't guess the plot right at all, +50. Hahahahaha. She's usually excellent at that, but it really was a fantasmo twist. I doubt they're showing it in Singapore but if they are, please go and catch it.

And then.. you'd think that my upcoming rant about corporations would be related to the movie, but really, it's not. It's simply growing from the rage that I have at people who form a very unsubstantiated opinion on what they see as the "world" through their window (and bus windows) and decide that they know a hell of a lot. K, first of, just because you've seen a lot of documentaries, it doesn't mean you know shitall. There's a lot of useless documentaries out there that don't make points about anything useful, and I know this because Emily used to watch a ton of those when we were living together in Fraser Hall. Like the severity of binge drinking in London. Lady, sure, those corporations are pumping out sweet alcoholic drinks, but if nobody was buying them, who'd they be selling them to? You should really be looking at the people who are binge drinking, why they're binge drinking, and decide what the problem really is from there.

Anyway, so I got on the bus after having revealed to this particular bus driver that I was in Chemical Engineering. And he'd asked what Chemical Engineers do, so I started out with the usual "petroleum, plastics, process engineering, pretty much anything" and then he started asking about biotechnology, to which I responded, yes, we can do that, but it really depends on what kind of biotechnology you're talking about (which on hindside, was the point at which I should have realised what I was getting myself into). So I mentioned a couple of things like pharmaceuticals, implants yada yada. And then he suddenly burst out with a "Oh, so you can actually do good, cos you were talking about implants, and before that you mentioned things like oil companies and all these other big corporations and we all know how evil those are (and here he went on for a bit)". To which I simply responded "Tch! You WORK for a corporation." You know what his response was? "Yes, but it's not a public corporation, which means it's not driven by profits (YEA RIGHT) and therefore completely different from a public corporation which will do pretty much anything to pretty much anyone to achieve the highest amount of profits possible". Oooooookay.

And then started the whole damn conversation about how corporations were these big, evil entities that manipulate our governments, underpay our people, pollute the environment of the countries they go to, etc. etc. And there I was, struggling to get a word in edgewise, from this left-wing socialist who didn't really know 2 shits about corporations or fair trade organizations. Gave me a huge bloody headache by the time I got off the bus, and I can tell you that was only a good 10 minutes.

Oooooh, there are just so many things I want to rave about but I just simply can't. I'd be up all night at my computer and still it wouldn't end. I just don't believe in ideals anymore. If I could choose my world, I suppose that yes, I would choose one where we all lived in fishing villages by the sea and everybody lived peacefully together and yada yada we lived in a communist country where everything was equal but as things stand, we don't, and we can't! It's simply foolish and naive to think that having the intention to "do good" will bring you to good places, give you good results, and actually help people. In this life, of which we only have 1 (as I believe, and do many people), you do as much good as you can, of course, but if doing that good comes without a higher purpose, without a more divine purpose, then how can you say that it's really for the best anyway? Think about it from a Utalitarianist point of view. How can you possibly ever know the full and complete consequences of an action which you can perceive to be a good one, when in actual fact it could do things that could.. destroy families, lives, jobs? Things are not always as obvious as 1+1 (and even there the math requires a good ten pages, and it doesn't prove anything anyway). I really don't think corporations are that bad. It brings a certain amount of equality to our world, and seriously, sure, sweatshop conditions are terrible, but would you rather those people starve to death? What other company is going to come in and say "Oh, we're going to be much nicer to you than those other people and we're going to pay you far beyond what they did, as according to how we pay people back in our own country, and we're even going to supply you the same benefits as we do them"? That's all bull.

Without ever being in that country, in that company, in that sweatshop, having lived that life, can you really say if it's for the better or for the worse??? GAH! It makes me so angry.

It would be nice if we could live in a fair trade world. Everybody wants to buy the expensive coffee that the fair trade organizations sell because that expensive farmer has decided he can afford to live the fair trade life. But what about the poor farmer working for the MNC that survives by the job he has? What alternative do he and his family have? It's so unrealistic to say that without corporations the world would be a much better place. You can say I'm plagued by cynicism but I just don't think that it's corporations that are to blame so much as individual people. I'm not making much sense. When I have too much to say and I'm frustrated, I can never really explain myself properly. Argh, I'm irritated.

I'll continue this another day.

Sondre Lerche

2009-10-01T01:10:00.000-07:00

The concert was a dream!! It was amazing and the guitar was like a part of him. His hands and the neck were one, his fingers adeft to the strings. And his voice... That voice on a man is just completely alluring and hypnotizing. Sigh. And he's so damn funny too!! And I was right in front. The best part was the encore where he did "Modern Life" and he did it completely acousic, standing on one of the speakers so his head was almost touching the ceiling (this was a small pub) and just singing out to the crowd and having us sing back to him. I literally could barely sing and I was just gaping but soon the whole crowd was lyricizing, whistling, humming along. He even stopped singing for a bit to listen to the whistling and looked RIGHT AT ME!! ahhhhhhh I'm in love. He's just amazing as a musician. Hilarious, extremely talented at both instrumentals and vocals and totally gorgeous. Very personal concert. I wish I could have hugged him but anyway I shook his hand and sang with him so that's good enough.

Singing Hamsters

2009-09-24T12:13:00.000-07:00

THIS GUY SOUNDS LIKE A DUCK HONKING!!!

2009-09-23T22:31:00.001-07:00

From jazz Britney to singing hamsters to this!!! This show is bizarre!!!

On Marc!!!!!!

2009-09-23T22:19:00.001-07:00

[23/09/09 10:17:23 PM] Serene Jie Jie: that day i ask him: u remember aunty brynn?
[23/09/09 10:17:30 PM] Serene Jie Jie: he said: yes. so pretty

I MISS MARC!!!!!! :'(

Thought a la Daryl

2009-09-23T18:40:00.000-07:00

Daryl: Do you buy female or male chickens at the supermarket?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA THIS ONE HAD ME GOING FOR AWHILE!!

Peeve

2009-09-21T11:58:00.000-07:00

I hate it when people talk to you and they have their earbuds plugged in or their headphones on. What? Are you really cooler that way?

Back to School...

2009-09-08T10:43:00.001-07:00

Well, I've gone and run into another problem. This is really awesome, you know. Apparently my school health insurance only covers my medication up to $600, which I was not aware of, and they will only continue to cover me as long as they have proof that I've tried out the government system of PharmaCare which I was ALSO unaware of. The pharmacist only informed me today when I tried to get my prescription refilled, and the application for PharmaCare will take at least 3 weeks or so, so in the meantime, my medications are going to cost me something in the region of $150?!??!?!! I can't afford to pay that for medications???

What am I going to do??

Oh, What A Day!

2009-09-05T14:36:00.002-07:00

It's just been lovely today! I woke up in the morning, wrote a bunch of emails that I had to write, packed away some clothing that was drying, went out and mailed something to SJJ and PKK, then passed by a flower store on the way home, bought a little, brightly coloured potted plant for my windowsill, and then went into this lovely, curious vintage store full of old, old, OLD things and found a copy of Alice in Wonderland from 1941 and a Beatrix Potter collection from 1997! I'm so happy! It's just a lovely day. It rained but it's not terribly cold, and it's not muggy either, so I had a lovely walk outside. Ahh, the simple pleasures of the weekend.

BOING!!!

2009-09-05T12:05:00.002-07:00

Omg, this poor bear cub is damn poor thing but it's totally hilarious!! I feel bad, but not really.

2009/2010

2009-09-05T10:30:00.002-07:00

I feel like everything is coming together :)

Job applications, volunteer applications, school, budgeting plan, exercise plan in the works.

If anyone would like to buy me a bicycle or running shoes, I promise I will start exercising. PROMISE.

Do You Realise?

2009-09-04T14:32:00.003-07:00

I walked to the bank, obviously to do some errands, and it was quite a walk. So on the way there, I enjoyed the wind, the sun, the music in my ears (I made sure it was uplifting) and made sure I put smiles on my face for all the people I passed. But by the time I reached the bank, finished my errands and waited to pass you some good news and Matt's pen, I took one look at your face and realised I could be nothing be somber. I couldn't bring myself to smile, to be positive. I was in no way negative, I don't think. I was civil, formal, representative of the tasks I had come to do, and when you came after me on the street, it just crushed me.

What crushes me is losing a friend for no good reason. I've lost friends this way before, and it's just never felt like this before, not because I have feelings for you, but because I was completely blindsided, and I truly felt like I have lost a friend.

OVERSIGHT!!!

2009-09-04T11:06:00.002-07:00

J'ai un petit problème avec mon horaire. C'est très mal et je ne sais pas quoi faire.

It turns out I might not be able to graduate until 2011, simply because I have two classes in the 2nd semester that are clashing!!! They're completely at the same time and they're both required courses and I'm screwed because there's no way I can not take either of them. Shit shit shit shit shit. Maybe I do have to split my year up into two different years after all. Shit. I was really hoping to get it done this year but at least yeay! I'm registered for the year in term 1 courses and all that jazz. Man.. I'll be graduating at the same time as all the Singapore kids. Heehee. Yeay, guess we can all celebrate together. I guess this means I'm keeping my Canadian citizenship then. I don't want to be paying 20K a year for school.

In Christ.

2009-09-03T19:49:00.002-07:00

2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!

I am a saint who sins, not a sinner, and I am not beyond redemption. I should not come to God in fear and confusion, but in full acceptance of the love that He has for me.

Amen.

I know what I need to do. Anytime I feel angry or sad, I need to remember that his pain is greater than mine, even if this is a lie. If I can stick to this and remember it, then I can be bigger and better than myself as I am now.

I Said It.

2009-09-03T00:27:00.001-07:00

I knew it. I said I didn't want it to happen at Shu's birthday, but there we go. Do we call this the inevitable? Human nature? Self preservation? It's "all for the best"?

Fuck this shit.

And again..

2009-09-01T23:59:00.003-07:00

Another friend to lose.. sometimes I wonder what I can do in this life but take what comes at me. And then sometimes, I think I just want to be alone. To have my own responsibilities, to have my life, to have my own friends, my own time to spend with them and my family, and time to fulfill my responsibilities. But I say that and it becomes apparent to other people that I just don't want people to tell me what's right and what's wrong, or something to that effect. It's nothing like that though. I just don't want to be responsible for other people's feelings.

Plastic Surgery in Reverse

2009-09-01T23:57:00.000-07:00

Looks like I am getting younger by the day. Instead of now being 16 or 17, the people at the gas station thought I was 14. Yikes.

On Matt

2009-08-29T16:49:00.000-07:00

While on the bus:

Matt: Yeah, I didn't even see the Wii. -'s sneaky like a ninja.
Bean: Isn't it stealthy like a ninja?
Matt: Then what's sneaky? Sneaky like a sneaker??
Bean: I don't know.. Sneaky like a snake or something.
Matt: ... yeah I guess that works. intermittent laughter from me.. shut up. Hahaha.

On Flying United

2009-08-27T06:32:00.003-07:00

Somehow, when I look into one of those skymall magazines, I suddenly find the need for otherwise completely uselesss stuff (unless I should suddenly find myself in possession of a dog, cat, or marine life obsession), such as

THE ONLY DIGITAL CAMERA SWIM MASK

or

THE CANINE GENEALOGY KIT.

Curiously enough, the possibly of needing a

PRECISE PORTION PET FEEDER WITH A PROGRAMMABLE FEEDER

and

THE ALWAYS FRESH PET DRINKING FOUNTAIN

crossed my mind, in the event that I left my imaginary cat or dog alone while I went on holiday. Consumerism has consumed our society.

Work and Play makes Brynn Utalitarian

2009-08-27T03:32:00.002-07:00

It's 3 in the morning but I just cannot go to sleep, so I spent the last 2 hours shortlisting jobs and volunteer opportunities that I want to get involved in should I spend the next year in Vancouver. Among them, I've got..

Volunteer
1. Children Care - This requires an outgoing, enthusiastic, nurturing and patient person, who will have to organize or facilitate events such as dance, sports, computer, cooking. There's also tutoring and games, group and individual reading, field trips, summer camps and computer labs!

This sounds really awesome and I really want to do it, particularly I can see just how much I can learn. The possibilities are teeming over the edge of the huge vault that encompasses my learning capability in this field. And on top of that, it's GREAT experience to have! Plus, I'm totally interested in interacting with the younger generation. I know I seem like an awkward person to begin with, but when I set my mind to something, especially helping others, all that just fades away and I can become somebody completely different.

2. Animal Care - This requires me to provide shelter and care for homeless and abused and abandoned domestic animals. Duties include animal socialization, cat cuddling, grooming, dog walking, cleaning, adoptathons, vet visits.

I love animals, and to be able to make a difference in the life of an animal that has suffered quite enough is something that I'd love to be able to do! To bring it back from a state of utter trauma to a semblance of what it used to be. And cat cuddling, I was sold. But this is all the stuff that gets to my heart, you know, helping the less fortunate just brings out a happiness I cannot explain. I really think I would like this job.

The other options are daycare, math high school assistant and english tutor assistant, all of which I will be paid for. All these jobs have so much to offer me, and they would look so good on my resume. The only glitch I have at the moment is that I have no idea what my schedule for school is, so on the assumption they'll let me back into school, I can actually look at the standard timetables, which I think I'll go tomorrow to figure out when I'm actually free. The earlier I submit all these applications the better. And writing cover letters for these jobs will be a cinch, especially since they're things I actually really want to do. Hooray! I feel like I'm doing something productive! God says to help the poor and needy, and He's put it in my heart. All the glory to God. I do nothing except help you to fulfill your innermost desires, Lord. SO help me.

Jetlag Musings

2009-08-27T03:12:00.002-07:00

So, I fell asleep at 10-ish and now I'm wide awake at 1 am. Le sigh. And I was so tired before. The good news is that I've been looking at volunteer and work opportunities for the upcoming school year that will not take more than 10 hours a week and will likely pay between 12 and 16 dollars an hour, which is extremely decent. And I was thinking about regularly volunteering 2-3 hours a week with a special needs student. There's this organisation called the Red Leaf Student Programs which assigns you to the voluntary job of your choice and they have a few categories like childcare (special needs), the environment, animals, shelters, basically everything I'm interested in. The only glitch I have really, is that I don't have my school schedule yet, so I'm going to go and bug them every other day about it.. it's tough, really. I don't know whether or not to stay in Singapore or in Canada. I have to do my math a bit more, like how I'm going to make up my rent.

But well, I think I should be able to write my cover letters and all that tomorrow or the day after. It shouldn't take long at all, since I'm passionate about all the jobs I've shortlisted and since I'm I think I'm fairly adept at marketing myself, I hope I'll at least get enlisted for one of these. Any will do, really, since they are all of great interest to me and have a connection to my heart. Actually starting myself on a volunteer program would be great! Whether it's animals or children, or preteens would be great. And working at UBC would be even more fantastic. Getting paid to do easy jobs, which I will of course do to the best of my ability (I'm not the kind to give up), and I do have most of the skills they require, and convince them that the ones I do not have, I can learn in a jiffy. I think when it comes to presenting myself, I might be better than people think I am. Jobs, here I come! Now if only the damn ESS would make finalise appeal already.

Je viens de Vancouver

2009-08-26T15:29:00.003-07:00

You know what I love about being in Vancouver? It's having friends, and yes, it's nice to have family. But there's the times when I'm alone too. I'm sitting all by myself at the Boulevard, just writing emails, catching up on some important correspondence, having a nice lunch and drink by myself. The waking up in the morning, having a day to myself, traveling by myself, soaking in the sun, all of those things just help me sigh with contentment. There's nothing better than a day off from people, from things, from work, from school. In Singapore, there's just too many people everywhere, everyday. It's hard to just get away. I think I'll head down to Wreck Beach tomorrow to take some pictures and practice my photography. I'll just carefully avoid the naked people, or maybe taking pictures of them really wouldn't be so bad. It's all just... anatomny, after all. I don't care so much about their shriveled up parts. It could be art. But I just love the serenity of that place, of my secret hiding hole in the cliff, where the tree just hangs over the edge and I'm left on my own to watch the sun set over the horizon, not a building in sight. The peace of it all, I will never be able to explain. There's a great relief that resides in me for the moment. Where it came from I don't know. Maybe I did need a day off from everything and everybody, and now I feel much better, especially after the 30 hour flight.. yesterday and a half ago. 30 hours! I think I'm getting used to these excessive travel hours.

Vancouver may not be pretty in a modern way, but its charms are certainly enough to hook me in.

Of Old(?) Times

2009-08-26T13:12:00.001-07:00

Ahhh, fond are the days Vera and I used to take the bus to Kerrisdale for bubble tea, overindulge and then get sick together the whole ride home. Every bump and lurch was like a tsunami in our tummies, our groans simultaneous. Heehee! I can't imagine life without vera! Ever!

Insipid

2009-08-23T07:07:00.000-07:00

For a human being, especially one aspiring to be a lawyer, you are completely tasteless and quite unclassy too.

Sick AGAIN!

2009-08-19T19:16:00.000-07:00

I really really hate being sick. I don't know anybody that's gotten food poisoning twice in 2 weeks, and here I am, retching and pee-ing out my arse and all sorts of horrid things like that. Plus, at some points, the pain in my stomach drives me absolutely nuts and makes me want to pass out, but having Yeeyee and UJ pray it through seems to make it go away, and then I usually fall asleep. My stomach is so weak right now.

Man, I really hate being sick. And vomiting is really the worst thing. Plus, not being able to eat and being very very weak from that. This is all extremely horrid.

Up!

2009-08-19T06:37:00.000-07:00

Up was utterly fantastic!!! It was such a simple storyline but not childish at all! Ahhh, brilliant. Tears, laughter and joy. Mountains and mountains of laughter. And the colours! Utterly fantastic! This is probably the best movie I've watched this year, hands down. :) Siiiigh, I want to watch it again. 5 stars!

Should I Take The Risk Or Just Smile?

2009-08-14T07:03:00.001-07:00

Some days I just want to sit on the couch, stuff barbecue flavoured chips into my mouth and wile away. Yes, it's highly unproductive and very unbecoming of a young adult, but there are just some days where I can't pick up my feet to walk anywhere and do anything. The very idea of thinking about doing something just tires me out. It's a fatigue that eats into me, wears my skin, breathes my air. Lacklustre, that's the attitude I have on these days. There's no necessity, no urgency and most of all, no point in trying to do anything.

Nights where I stay awake, I like to listen to the sound of the wood furniture breathing the night air. It creaks, just loud enough for me to hear as I toss and turn in my mass of blankets. And then I lie there and think about what the world looked like in the 50s, and the 40s, and the 30s, and the 20s. I wonder if it looked as real as the world looks now, or if it looked just like how we see it now, on televisions and in photographs. If I went back into the past, I'd put on my 1950s lenses and see the world just it was as though it was through my tv. And I would just stand there and breathe it all in, the idea of being somewhere far away, somewhere away with my thoughts and dreams. I don't have dreams, or big ambitions, but I do dream constantly of being far away, of being in a different place, with different dynamics and responsibilities and a whole different take on life. Imagine that, being able to see the world now as though it was something of the past. You'd walk out one day and just say "I feel like living in the 1930s today", and you'd take out your 1930s tinted lenses and just walk around all day with black and white vision, and horse carriages instead of buses or cars.

Ah Familia

2009-08-12T06:50:00.001-07:00

Singapore will always be my home. There's just something so familiar about it that Vancouver cannot replace. And, there's my family. I will always always love my family, and so, since home is where the heart is, Vancouver can never replace Singapore as my home. Soooo happy! I spent the whole afternoon with my amah and ethan and elliot. I love them all SO much!! God is so good. It was just such the most fantasmic day ever. Still got tons to do but yeay! I'm not throwing up anymore!!!

And Elliot is just soooooo cute!!! Now when I go over, his face lights up when he sees me, and Ethan too, although he pretends not to care. And Elliot likes to sit on my lap and cuddle me, and he loves it when I take photographs of him, so he'll make happy faces and sad faces for me. Ahhhh I LOVE kids!! I think I should be a teacher, even though I'm deciding between law and education. Kids just make the world go round!!

Wretched are my days, O Lord, without You.

2009-08-11T06:39:00.001-07:00

Father, bear down from Heaven with good tidings. Bring good news and peace, and hold in the palm of Your hand my whole life and all I am meant to be. Help me, Father, when all else brings me down, to hold myself up and know that even then, I am not alone. All these feelings of extreme inadequacy, of anxiety, of shame, they will all melt away.

Getting Littler By The Day

2009-08-11T02:52:00.000-07:00

Eaaaarghhh!! I really hate being sick. And most curious of all is the sensation of perpetual hunger COUPLED with the inability to eat. Everytime I eat I just get sick! This sucks. And I'm hungry all the time and I can't seem to make it go away, but at the same time everytime I eat there's so much gas that I get really nauseous. Man, coming back and falling sick was definitely not in my plan. I don't know if it's food poisoning but it better bloody go away. I'm so tired of being ill and having to stay home all the time. But what's worse is being hungry all the time and not being able to eat!!! I'm teetering on the edge of 41 kg now. This is a very unhealthy weight to be! But if I try to eat and end up eating too much, I get sick instead. Grrraaahhh!! Do you know how awful it is to be hungry, and see delicious food but not be able to eat it?! :(

Once in my lifetime..

2009-08-04T07:02:00.002-07:00

Was in and out of the hospital today. So anyway, I've been diagnosed with the big E. I'll be on medications for awhile, doctor said 2 years. Anyway, banged my face up really badly, I'll probably look like a panda later in the week. My yeeyee says I can have visitors, but not too many. I still don't have a phone but I'll try to get one asap. In the meantime, this is for Lilian and everyone. You guys can call me at my yeeyee's house! I'm under house arrest :p

Vera..

2009-07-29T19:41:00.001-07:00

My Vera lies over the Ocean..
My Vera lies over the Sea...
My Vera lies over the Ocean..
So happy she's coming to meeeee!!!

I'm counting down the days till I get to see my other half! SMELLY-UNION! Bloody hell, it's been too long. I need to be smeh-a-tized.

While we're on the topic...

2009-07-29T06:43:00.002-07:00

I went to see a doctor today, and err.. apparently... you take codeine for coughs? I didn't know that! But I got quite a dose too. I've got 5 tabs (only 5, doctor knows what he's doing) of 30 mg tabs of codeine! That's nuts! That's the same dose as Carlos got when he had his operation! Anyway, so I was a bit iffy about taking it.. but since I'm going to sleep soon I doubt I'll be walking around saying "Oh my gosh.. I can see everything.. I can see everything.. it's like.. I can see everything at once.. do you know what I mean?" so at least I won't sound too much like an idiot. I hope. But wow. Codeine. Okay. For.. coughs! You learn something new everyday.

Tang Yuans

2009-07-29T02:48:00.001-07:00

After finding out that I don't really eat calamari..

Clarence: Eh, it doesn't taste like calamari, seriously. It tastes like... What's your favourite food? Ah. It tastes like tang yuan. Serious.

Liar!

Swine Flu

2009-07-26T19:13:00.002-07:00

Oh no... I'm sick.. and I keep thinking I must have swine flu. It's horrid, really. I haven't been sick in awhile so I just feel awful! And I have to babysit the kids, and I had these plans to bring them out for activities, and I have tutoring... and church.. if I'm sick I really shouldn't be out with people at all, much less taking care of the kids. This is terrible! I'm not sure if I'm just tired or what, but I really think that the body aches I have now are different from the ones I usually have. I don't seem to have a fever though, so that's good news for now. But no kissing the kids! Sigh.

Ahhhhhh I hate being unwell..